Verizon, the company with the worse logo since the human race started cave painting, just sent me the creepiest letter. It caught my attention because it was in an envelope that looks like it was printed on a discarded 1985 dot matrix. Inside was no letter- just a 3×5 brochure that began with “your privacy is important to us.” Later on the first page it begins a paragraph with “Verizon Wireless provides service to you.”
As much noise as we make about privacy, the reality is that we sell it short quite easily. In theory, your employer and insurance provider could know what you bought at the grocery last night. Some of us bitch loudly, but few of us take any measures about it — perhaps resigned to the fact that everything we do (even when we cry while commuting) could be available to the world.
I’m terrible about taking measures to protect myself, unlike you vocal minority that go to OCD lengths to protect your privacy (which always has me wondering what you’re hiding, by the way).
But this letter set off my Spidey Senses. And this from a guy whose “gaydar” is so bad I thought WhatTheBuck was just friendly. Why?
- First, it happened to arrive after I woke up at 4 am to a prank call. So subconciously I probably already resented Verizon for constantly screwing up my “unlisted number.” Go ahead. Find it and post it to a video comment. I’ll not soon forget when I happened to be grooming “Farting in Public” comments (to spare Spencer humiliation) and found my name and address. Thank God I own a pitbull, a Green Beret and a loaded gun I keep in one of the toy bins… which one was it now?
- Second, if they’d have placed it in a normal letter I’d have probably ignored it. But a little brochure with nothing else said “we’re cheaping out on this because you know damned well you don’t give a shit enough to call and opt-out.”
- Third, you kinda started off the wrong way Verizon. How about announcing an updated privacy policy or not shoving me in the shoulder with “we provide a service to you, so…” Now you’re making me feel like my part of the marriage is that you get to share my calls with “parent companies, affiliates, agents and even Viacom if we feel like it.”
So I called an opted out to CPNI (Customer proprietary network information) because it just oozed of creepiness. I actually thought about doing a parody video of it, but it was so easy to opt-out that I’m sparing them the humiliation.
It’s a wonder I use Verizon despite its marketing incompetency, which ranges from a crappy logo all the way through bad viral-video campaigns and crappy privacy mailers that look like a porn leaflet but without the glossy color photos.
How about you? What’s your favorite and least favorite company? If that company was humanized, what would he/she look like? For me, Verizon would not be the “Test Guy” we call “Can You Hear Me Now” guy. He’d be a bad-breathed arrogant French guy with a cheap suit and black onyx cufflinks he bought on QVC after a night of binge drinking.
Did I just spend 15 minutes putting the Verizon guy’s face on Frank the Flasher’s body? Well there’s 15 minutes I’ll never get back.
Verizon gave me anal warts!
“and crappy privacy mailers that look like a porn leaflet but without the glossy color photos”
Wait, how do you know what crappy porn leaflets looks like? I thought you were a drug dealer?! Hang on, that’s the other blog I’m on, sorry, continue..
“What’s your favorite and least favorite company? If that company was humanized, what would he/she look like?”
I’d have to say Exxon [click] cause they look like the creepy CEO at Exxon. Actually, all big soulless corporation look like Lee Raymond to me. What a nightmare I live in, eh?
Just imagine all the guys at verizon walking around in nothing but lace underpants. And I don’t mean lingerie lace underpants. I mean six year old girl underpants with lacy frills on them. Those things are fucking uncomfortable, which adds to the hilarity. And when the guys get woodies while wearing them, that’ll be priceless.
No, it won’t. Just creepy.
I really hate Viacom, for their horrible PR and obvious reasons.
But the Sprint “sell out” of family moments contest is really lowly and is playing on the part of us that laughs and then feels guilty.
Cell phone companies in general are annoying.
~Michelle
p.s. Idk why I don’t comment more, I read your blog everyday. Everyone who just watches your videos think your only as smart/mature as a 12 year old, but I really feel like you’re the smartest person on youtube. mwuahahaha
I’m in the middle of a 24-hour restriction against caffeine. Y’all won’t be hearing squat from me.
I hate all car commercials, especially those for big SUVs that try to convince you that they are energy-efficient. Actually, I hate all commercials. I mute them or TiVo through them. I am not exactly a marketing person’s ideal customer.
Then there are those lines in some privacy policies that say “We will not disclose your information to third parties except as required or *permitted* by law.” “Required” I can understand, but “permitted”? So basically that part just says the company won’t break the law in this area? How does that provide any added reassurance or information?
Maybe we are supposed to believe that a company that might otherwise be inclined to break the law in the area of privacy will stop and say “Oh wait, even though we’re perfectly willing to do something illegal under normal circumstances we won’t do it now, as it would violate our privacy policy”.
what the heck is going on with the blog?
ok the serve has the hiccups so keep copies of your comments before you send. If it seems like the server is dragging it’s probably eating your words subsequently by-passing the digestive system and heading right out the poop shoot. You’ve been warned! Jesus Saves!
Why does everything on this blog always come back to poop?
I’m not wearing any pants.
It’s funnier when a guy says that.
Sukatra’s wearing my panties… on her head.
Why do you have such an obsession with panties tonight, NutCheese?
Fine Marilyn… I’ll mail you a pair of my panties.
“Why does everything on this blog always come back to poop?”
You know the phrase, if I only knew then what I know now.
That’s what happen here, only the then is age 9.
^ I suspect the presence of a poop propagator, jan. Won’t be too hard to narrow down the list of suspects because, of course, they are the usual suspects.
🙂
Sprint is my least favorite. My land line once stopped working. So in a moment of shear brilliance I thought “I have this licked”! I whipped out my Sprint cellular phone and dialed the ATT repair telephone number. I was greeted with a message “this call cannot not be completed”. Thinking that I had misdialed I tried again. Same answer.
I called Sprint customer service:
“Umm, (I start a lot of sentence with “”umm””) I can’t seem to get through to ATT repair service on my Sprint phone. Any reason why?”
“Because we don’t want you to”
“But why”?
“Because we said so”
Today I use Verizon.
they obviously have your best interests at heart….thank goodness they offered you the otion to opt out!
any I can’t beleive that you still got crank phone calls – can’t Verizon do something abotu that?
@NutCheese: I’ll be waiting by my mailbox with bated breath.