YouTube Captions Underwhelms

In one of its most underwhelming functionality changes in the past decade, YouTube now offers captions.

Qui donne une merde?

You’ll need to look for it by clicking the arrow button and selecting “captions” but it probably won’t exist in your language. That’s because the creator has to use special software and can only translate one language per video. I suppose a summer intern had a little too much free time.

Let’s vote on some additional unecessary YouTube functionality improvements that can join this and the “thumb-up-a-comment” tool:

  1. B&W converter: The ability to turn a video black and white by altering the URL slightly.
  2. Auto inverse technology: flip your video horizontally and make KevJumba say Abmujvek.
  3. Fred shuttle: make your video play 25% faster so everyone sounds like Fred.
  4. Jiggle the JPEG: for those partner banners that don’t rotate as an annoying GIF file, this tool can take an ordinary flat banner and make it wiggle.
  5. Auto off: The video will automatically stop playing when it reaches the creator’s average viewed duration point. All MrSafety videos will stop after 11 seconds.
  6. Unrelated videos: selects videos that are not related to the one you’re viewing.
  7. What’s your vote?


45 Replies to “YouTube Captions Underwhelms”

  1. I’d like to do a write-in vote: video braille – When a visually impared person wants to watch a video, the software will print out an explaination of what’s happening on screen in braille through their printer, which they can use to follow along with the audio and get the whole story.

    Otherwise, 5 gets my vote.

    A couple weeks ago I was going to create a video about a blind movie critic reviewing YouTube content. I shelved it because I thought it was a hair more politically incorrect than my usual. This makes me want to rethink that.

  2. “blind movie critic”

    Are you crazy? That’s pure gold! Add a side kick who wears sun glasses and moves like Stevie Wonder and for each review all he says is, “I didn’t see that one.”

  3. How about an option to compress the sound beyond all reason so that it’s loud enough to startle the viewer but so distorted that nobody can understand what’s being said

    Otherwise I’d vote for #2 but with an additional option to rotate the picture 45 degrees.

  4. I don’t like to think. It gives me hives. Oops, there’s one now. And another one. Another one. Another three.

    I would write DAMN YOU KEVIN NALTS but I’m too busy scratching to type. Another one. Another one there. There’s six all at once! I had no idea I could fit six hives on that thing! Another one. amptjer pme/ amptjr pme/look what you’ve done to my fingers. i’m typing this with my tongue. ahlalalahhhhhhalllll. thhbbbb.

  5. I’ll add a few additional features.

    1. The ability to put on or take hair off any subjects in a video ©

    2. A video vocabulary dictionary using popular youtube or webleberties. You piece the words together and send them as a video greeting or response to a video ©

    Imagine how popular the guys who get to say the word “you” and the word “sucks” will be…

    just more showering of the gold.

  6. I like #5. I rarely make it past the 11 second mark on Mr. Safety’s videos anyway. And he doesn’t like it when I comment because I am usually rude. Didn’t know that about me did you?

    When I get home from vacation I’m going to upload my vacation videos. Prepare to be bored!!

  7. #6 isn’t already on YouTube? Then what are those videos on the right side of the screen? I can’t tell how they pick those.

  8. @ nutcheese

    at least i don’t smell like vagina. oh wait, i must smell like vagina. that’s why you’re always hitting on me. Stalker!

  9. @14 – I’m pretty sure that you’ve got a video that covers just about every topic out there. From now on I’m not going to wikipedia, I’m just surfing your videos until I find what I need!

  10. @18
    Hahaha! If you don’t find it on my Youtube channel, jim, check my aoluncut channel. I keep my old stuff there.

  11. I was cleaning out my harddrive tonight and ran across copies of a bunch of emails I sent out to friends while I was living on the streets of Los Angeles. Kinda fun stuff. Here’s one:

    Looking For A Grass Skirt

    Sorry about all these emails at once, but it’s not that often I can
    hijack a phone connection for my powerbook.
    So the unemployed actor with the Marilyn Monroe/Messianic complex involving large scissors got to grumbling too much about my body odors and I told him to fuck off and moved back into my car. Then I moseyed on over to the VA Brentwood pychiatric clinic and peed in my pants at the intake station but the clerks just yawned and asked if I had an appointment.
    Apparently, the only way into that air conditioned facility is to
    don a Mabutu grass skirt and walk in the door with a freshly severed
    head, preferably of someone with recognition value….like a TV
    personality or VA union steward. I thought about dropping my pants and taking a dump on the freshly waxed floor, but I hadn’t eaten in a few days and just didn’t have the ammo. I’m sorry if this is a little vulgar, Laura.
    My Army disability check was finally located and sent to my mailbox ‘residence’. Some anal retentive postal clerk was sitting on it because it didn’t have those last 4 zip code digits (-8833) after the first five (90009).
    Is it the Paxil or is the government really out to screw me?

  12. ^ Someone get me a book deal before I post them as a video series of street journals for free.

  13. You know what pisses me off about you, Nalts? OK, you got someone like Marquis, who really has had it rough, and then you’re always whining about how you can’t sleep, and you’re depressed, blah, blah, blah. What the fuck do you have to be depressed about? You have a good job that apparently leaves you with loads of time to pursue other interests. You’re always showing us your beautiful kids, wife, house, life, white mini-van, etc., etc. But now your poor back hurts… Yeah, I mean that does suck, but it’s not like you were beaten, or got hit by a car and have no health insurance.

    One often gets the sense that you are dissatisfied somehow. With what? What the hell is your problem anyway? A few haters? Golly, life’s rough.

  14. well, gee wiz, golly, even white male oligarchs have feelings too

    I bet you have all the answers, don’t cha? What do you think he should do? Tell us all and if you really believe in what you are saying stand up and stop hiding behind the f u

  15. @34
    My forensic semantics tells me that fu’s real name is Kevin. I could be wrong. I’m just a simple country boy.

  16. @28

    If that was you kevin under a pseudonym, you really let me down. Not nearly as funny as it could have been.

    Otherwise, fu, you seem angry about something. Sounds like it’s time for some therapy and meds for you! Tool.

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