Verizon, the company with the worse logo since the human race started cave painting, just sent me the creepiest letter. It caught my attention because it was in an envelope that looks like it was printed on a discarded 1985 dot matrix. Inside was no letter- just a 3×5 brochure that began with “your privacy is important to us.” Later on the first page it begins a paragraph with “Verizon Wireless provides service to you.”

As much noise as we make about privacy, the reality is that we sell it short quite easily. In theory, your employer and insurance provider could know what you bought at the grocery last night. Some of us bitch loudly, but few of us take any measures about it — perhaps resigned to the fact that everything we do (even when we cry while commuting) could be available to the world.

I’m terrible about taking measures to protect myself, unlike you vocal minority that go to OCD lengths to protect your privacy (which always has me wondering what you’re hiding, by the way).

But this letter set off my Spidey Senses. And this from a guy whose “gaydar” is so bad I thought WhatTheBuck was just friendly. Why?

1. First, it happened to arrive after I woke up at 4 am to a prank call. So subconciously I probably already resented Verizon for constantly screwing up my “unlisted number.” Go ahead. Find it and post it to a video comment. I’ll not soon forget when I happened to be grooming “Farting in Public” comments (to spare Spencer humiliation) and found my name and address. Thank God I own a pitbull, a Green Beret and a loaded gun I keep in one of the toy bins… which one was it now?   
2. Second, if they’d have placed it in a normal letter I’d have probably ignored it. But a little brochure with nothing else said “we’re cheaping out on this because you know damned well you don’t give a shit enough to call and opt-out.”
3. Third, you kinda started off the wrong way Verizon. How about announcing an updated privacy policy or not shoving me in the shoulder with “we provide a service to you, so…” Now you’re making me feel like my part of the marriage is that you get to share my calls with “parent companies, affiliates, agents and even Viacom if we feel like it.”

So I called an opted out to CPNI (Customer proprietary network information) because it just oozed of creepiness. I actually thought about doing a parody video of it, but it was so easy to opt-out that I’m sparing them the humiliation.

It’s a wonder I use Verizon despite its marketing incompetency, which ranges from a crappy logo all the way through bad viral-video campaigns and crappy privacy mailers that look like a porn leaflet but without the glossy color photos.

How about you? What’s your favorite and least favorite company? If that company was humanized, what would he/she look like? For me, Verizon would not be the “Test Guy” we call “Can You Hear Me Now” guy. He’d be a bad-breathed arrogant French guy with a cheap suit and black onyx cufflinks he bought on QVC after a night of binge drinking.

Did I just spend 15 minutes putting the Verizon guy’s face on Frank the Flasher’s body? Well there’s 15 minutes I’ll never get back.