Alright, the “Cheat sheet for marketers interested in online video” didn’t get a lot of views. And frankly I get more people consuming my content in an hour than read this damned blog in a day.
So to hell with you. Here’s what you should do to get viral, stupid marketers and agencies.
- Spend an assload of money. Put most of it to banner ads that promote your video, but spend at least $250,000 on the production. Only don’t make it look highly produced. Use a $100 videocamera and crappy lighting.
- Don’t worry about what people are saying about your brand. Screw them. Just tell them what they need to know.
- Promote, promote, promote. It should feel like a cable TV advertisement. Throw boobs in there to make sure people pass it along.
- Target 10 million views. Anything less than that and you’re a friggin’ wimp.
- Don’t bother with those that are online-video personalities. Find a good washed-up television personality.
- Make it a rap. The kids love raps.
- Do something really safe to keep your management happy. Remember- your rise on the corporate latter means putting the customer (your boss and his boss) first.
- Steal an idea that works. That “Evolution of Dance” thing was popular. Get MC Hammer to remake it. He’s coming back again.
- Be sure your agency knows the space. That means if they’ve ever shot a video to stream on your product site, then they know viral video. It’s that easy.
- Measurement is so 2007. It’s all about views and perception. Fake some positive comments to show your boss.