6 New Rules of Marketing: Get Enlightened, Stupid.

Apparently I have to relearn marketing again, which is fine... it wasn't hard the first time.

The coolest thing about marketers are the titles they give their books. Common, right? They’re marketers. What do you expect?

Yep, while marketing and advertising may be dead, the business of proclaiming it even more dead... is booming. Here are the six rules, and as you can see they defy the 6 marketing rules I learned in my MBA (which I’ve added in italics).

Oh- I think it goes without saying that I haven’t read the book, but I am considering adding it to the prized bookshelf of “The Enlightened Stupid Marketer.” At least he embraces book covers over books, right? Is there any irony to the fact that years after shooting that video I’d write a book and, to date, not read it?

  • The Core is Everything (screw the customer, kill or be killed, don’t sleep)

Key chapters: Brand essence is important, customer knows best, your reputation is vital, play nicely, sleep soundly and work fearfully.

  • You Have Nothing Without The Foundation (integrity is for the unemployment line… Ps in 2006 were product, price, piss the customer, and pimp it)

Key chapters: Integrity, single word or symbol, whole is larger than parts, mind your P’s….

  • There Are Many Choices But Only One Customer (there’s a sucker born every minute; it’s easier to find a new customer than try to keep one).

Key chapters: Strategy is the heart and measurement is the blood, frameworks, perception really is your customer’s reality, communication, more than channel surfing.

  • Do the Right Things for the Right Reasons (we watched Wall Street in Ethics class, talked about Walmart, and then all proclaimed: greed is goooood).

Key chapters: Relationships matter, partner, it’s about them not you…

  • Infrastructure is More Than Pipes (in fact, a virtual tributary allows for add-drop multiplexing of subrate traffic… come to think of that, I might have learned that when my boutique web agency was acquired by Qwest Telcom).

Key chapters: Technology is just an enabler, right information, right people, right time… and don’t have wrong thought.

  • Lead And Others Will Follow (be a fast follower… let your competitor take the arrows, then pull them from their body and use them against anyone that tries suing you for stealing their idea; be sure to pluck out their gold fillings… they won’t need them anymore because they’re dead).

Key chapters: Leadership is a verb not noun.

So, yeah. I have to relearn marketing again, but this time there’s not a test (which sucks because I would have cheated off of my friend Mike Skoler). I wonder if my damned MBA comes with a money-back guarantee (It probably does, but the small print says “not valid on days ending with the letter Y”).

For the record, this marketing-satire video (“Enlightened Stupid Marketer”) was indeed shot in a conference room of an employer who shall remain nameless. You’d never know that unless you worked there, so while I maintained the spirit of the no-camera law (confidentiality), I broke the “letter” of the law. More importantly, it was a satire not of my co-workers at the time but of a Coke executive I’d seen a month prior at a conference. Nobody believed me, and a number of people took offense to this (like the guy who sucked my will to live).

The nice thing about this video is that if you’re offended by it, I’ve struck a vulnerability nerve haven’t I? Are ya offended or are you secure in your marketing competencies? Do you see yourself lampooned, or do you giggle at the absurdity occasionally? If your teeth clench while watching, you MAY just have gelatophobia. There’s only one cure. Avoid people unless wearing ear muffs and blinders. Or just keep reading the latest marketing book that proclaims the last guy slightly dumber.

Easter “Dance Shoes Off” vs Easter Bunny Hates You

So here’s the Easter “Dance Your Shoes Off” performed by 2,000 people from the Second Baptist Church in Texas. And here’s the “Easter Bunny Hates You.” Which one’s better?

I find it more fun if you watch this video to another song. For instance, if you click here, play this Bruno Mars “Lazy” song in a different window, then watch the below embedded video on mute (using speaker icon to the immediate right of the play button).

YouTube Goes Bollywood: Game On

Gautam Anand, director for content partnerships (Asia Pacific), told the Hindustan Times, “We are looking to significantly ramp up our long-form Bollywood movies catalogue. Full length catch-up shows have been getting a tremendous response from across the globe.”

It seems even the most celebrated Bollywood songs have taken to recent parodies like the recent Guild dance: “Game On: A Bollywood Themed Gamers Anthem.” See Codex (Felicia Day) and Zaboo (Sandeep Parikh) almost kiss, and Zaboo punch “Real Life” in the face. We dare you not to dance to “Game On.”

So we’ve got that going for us. Which is nice.

YouTube Cewebrity Dance Off

Leave it to the hyper talented Davideo Designs (see his website at www.davideodesign.co.uk) to create this magically delicious “YouTube Celebrity Dance-Off” competition. The poor guy solicited clips from YouTubers, and patienty waited. Finally he decided to go with special effects listed below.

After SMPFilms decided to bust me in his recent video (which will probably be deleted before you see this), I can only celebrate that his face was placed over an older woman. How perfect.

It also features sxephil, charlestrippy, lonelygirl14, geriatric1927, brookers and me.

  • Music is “Flight of the CEEDEE”, from Davideo’s “Ghouls go Wild” performed on his cherished Korg Triton.
  • Visual applications used were Photoshop to prepare assets. After Effect for the compositing. Monet for the motion tracking of heads. Boujou for the 3d tracking of the aeroplane. 3d Max for the Plane render with Afterburn for the Red Arrows style colored smoke trails.
  • Then edited together with a Sony Digital Pictures NLE ala Vegas.
  • Total time to complete according to Davideo= 20 Coffees, 30 cigs, 2 bowls of rice crispies, 2 cakes, 3 pints of water, and no sleep.

The Secret Sauce of Viral Video? Falling Off a Stage. And Dressing Like a Dork in Public.

It’s now officially my Halmark. I like falling off the stage when I speak. This morning I did it at a Yahoo! conference in Toronto, and practically caused the organizer to go into labor early (sorry, Adina).

Here’s the highlights, and includes some footage for a future video called “Dork Runner.” Thanks to mugglesam for finding the costume store and working camera on this footage. Dork Runner will be in Philly’s YoTube event Friday, NYC on Monday, and LA on Wednesday. Stay tuned for a montage.

On Slideshare, you can download the presentation I showed here, which is called “The Secrets of Viral Video Marketing.” The embed is below, and you can click thru to get to the download page. Please attribute it to willvideoforfood.com per creative commons or whatever.