2011’s Dumbest Quotes: Read Like Poetry

It’s the dumbest quotes of 2011 read as poetry. Here’s the video, and the copy is below. Read along with the Mrs. and me, why don’t you?

The great poetry and quotes of the United States of America in 2011. Read alone BELOW. Read by Jo and Kevin Nalty (Wifeofnalts and Nalts).

Great American Poetry of 2011

Can’t Process by Charlie Sheen
I don’t have time for their judgement and their stupidity and you know they lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children and look at their loser lives and then they look at me and they say, ‘I can’t process it’ well, no, you never will stop trying, just sit back and enjoy the show. You know?

Ring Those Bells by Sarah Palin
He who warned, uh, the British that they weren’t gonna be takin’ away our arms, uh, by ringing those bells, and um, makin’ sure as he’s riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed.

Intellect Causes Crime by Georgia Prosecutor Patrick H. Head
“I think you could spend an unlimited amount of money on education and it will never eliminate crime. We have crime committed by people that have no respect for human life; we have crimes committed by people who have no respect for property.” He went on to say, “[criminals] will use that education and they will use that intellect in order to commit their crimes.”

Obamagasm by Esquire’s Steven March
“Can we just enjoy Obama for a moment? Before the policy choices have to be weighed and the hard decisions have to be made, can we just take a month or two to contemplate him the way we might contemplate a painting by Vermeer or a guitar lick by the early-seventies Rolling Stones or a Peyton Manning pass or any other astounding, ecstatic human achievement?”

Friday by Rebecca Black
Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday
Today i-is Friday, Friday (Partyin’)
We-we-we so excited
We so excited
We gonna have a ball today
Tomorrow is Saturday
And Sunday comes after…wards
I don’t want this weekend to end

Goofy Run by Ray William Johnson
What kind of running game is this if you can’t get this goofy ass f’ing alcoholic to run straight. What does he have an inner ear infection? Why are you even on the track team if you run this f’ing goofy? He does in fact run like a Welshman

Journey Through Time by Annoying Orange
Hey dinosaurs. Meteors. Hey Benjamin Franklin, lightening. Hey. Hey, uh, Titanic. I forgot what I was going to say. Oh yeah- Iceberg.

Webcams for Seniors by Bruce and Esther Huffman
K: (Monkey face) Oh look at the monkey.
J: Did I… did it capture? Why didn’t it take it. I put it on capture.
K: That’s a pretty good monkey
J: Hmm… okay wait a minute.
K: I don’t think you.. I don’t think you
J: Okay now. Do it again. What’s it say here. Take a photo snapshot. Okay.
K: Loud Yawn. Hello my darlin hello my baby. Hello my god don’t go.

Microsoft Catching Up: Bing and Video

Thanks to “Seeing Through the Windows” author Preston Gralla and SFGate’s Matt Rosoff for pointing out what I’d missed.

While YouTube/Google retains its massive lead in online-video viewing, Microsoft is catching up.

I’ve written about comScore’s newest rankings, but failed to recognize that Microsoft quietly crept from #7 (last month) to #2. That fact went largely unnoticed by many of us… is it a variation or a trend? Neither Gralla or Rosoff offer, from my perspective, a solid explanation for Microsoft’s sudden ranking. Perhaps people are using Bing’s video search engine? But why?

This hardly makes sense to me. Today the Bing video site featured Jessica Black (Friday) song. It might have been titled, “search what was popular on YouTube last month.”

Betty White on SNL FTW

Well the nation’s talking about one thing. I mean besides the natural disasters and wars and stuff… And Nancy Grace, who is still covering Caylee and baby Jessica being stuck in a well.

Betty White on Saturday Night Live! Selected by a Facebook mob for the high honor, and propelling the show to its highest rating in 1.5 years. It’s okay to celebrate that even if you’re not a gay “Golden Girls” watcher.

Here’s DCLuigi doing his Betty White and his classic Christopher Walken (monotone voice, eyes staring at cue cards). This link takes you directly to the middle mark since it’s a slow build.

Times Squares Hijinks

I wrote about Jessica Kurson recently, and yesterday spent the afternoon with the nationally-known Comedian in NY City (Times Square). I don’t think I’ve had this much fun making a video in ages, and I’m certain this was my finest hour in NYC ever. Subscribe to her here.

Real Comedians React to Unknown YouTube Stars

Per my UncleNalts vlog…. check out a great satire on YouTube “stardom” by Jessica Kirsin, a “Last Comic Standing” comedian who has appeared on Leno, created the hysterical “Snack Time,” and has a reality show in the works (see trailer).

In something I cherished and never seen before, this video shows Jessica interviewing well-known comedians at the Comedy Celler in NYC (Tom Papa, Colin Quinn, William Stephenson, Amy Schumer, Anthony Jeselnik, Ted Alexandro).

But she’s asking about YouTube “stars” like Rhett & Link (the ugly one), Shaycarl, Kassemg, Fred, Winekone, LisaNova. The answers are a great reminder that despite the wild views people get on YouTube, they are not widely known beyond (When I ask conferences if they’ve heard of Fred I get a few hands at best).

Her questions reveal a deep knowledge of the most-viewed YouTubers… and it’s wonderful to see how that’s lost on the famous comedians who have heard of nobody except LisaNova and “Charlie Bit My Finger.”

Stay with this video, and you’ll get some hysterical questions and uninformed but funny and awkward answers: