2011’s Dumbest Quotes: Read Like Poetry

It’s the dumbest quotes of 2011 read as poetry. Here’s the video, and the copy is below. Read along with the Mrs. and me, why don’t you?

The great poetry and quotes of the United States of America in 2011. Read alone BELOW. Read by Jo and Kevin Nalty (Wifeofnalts and Nalts).

Great American Poetry of 2011

Can’t Process by Charlie Sheen
I don’t have time for their judgement and their stupidity and you know they lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children and look at their loser lives and then they look at me and they say, ‘I can’t process it’ well, no, you never will stop trying, just sit back and enjoy the show. You know?

Ring Those Bells by Sarah Palin
He who warned, uh, the British that they weren’t gonna be takin’ away our arms, uh, by ringing those bells, and um, makin’ sure as he’s riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed.

Intellect Causes Crime by Georgia Prosecutor Patrick H. Head
“I think you could spend an unlimited amount of money on education and it will never eliminate crime. We have crime committed by people that have no respect for human life; we have crimes committed by people who have no respect for property.” He went on to say, “[criminals] will use that education and they will use that intellect in order to commit their crimes.”

Obamagasm by Esquire’s Steven March
“Can we just enjoy Obama for a moment? Before the policy choices have to be weighed and the hard decisions have to be made, can we just take a month or two to contemplate him the way we might contemplate a painting by Vermeer or a guitar lick by the early-seventies Rolling Stones or a Peyton Manning pass or any other astounding, ecstatic human achievement?”

Friday by Rebecca Black
Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday
Today i-is Friday, Friday (Partyin’)
We-we-we so excited
We so excited
We gonna have a ball today
Tomorrow is Saturday
And Sunday comes after…wards
I don’t want this weekend to end

Goofy Run by Ray William Johnson
What kind of running game is this if you can’t get this goofy ass f’ing alcoholic to run straight. What does he have an inner ear infection? Why are you even on the track team if you run this f’ing goofy? He does in fact run like a Welshman

Journey Through Time by Annoying Orange
Hey dinosaurs. Meteors. Hey Benjamin Franklin, lightening. Hey. Hey, uh, Titanic. I forgot what I was going to say. Oh yeah- Iceberg.

Webcams for Seniors by Bruce and Esther Huffman
K: (Monkey face) Oh look at the monkey.
J: Did I… did it capture? Why didn’t it take it. I put it on capture.
K: That’s a pretty good monkey
J: Hmm… okay wait a minute.
K: I don’t think you.. I don’t think you
J: Okay now. Do it again. What’s it say here. Take a photo snapshot. Okay.
K: Loud Yawn. Hello my darlin hello my baby. Hello my god don’t go.

Microsoft Catching Up: Bing and Video

Thanks to “Seeing Through the Windows” author Preston Gralla and SFGate’s Matt Rosoff for pointing out what I’d missed.

While YouTube/Google retains its massive lead in online-video viewing, Microsoft is catching up.

I’ve written about comScore’s newest rankings, but failed to recognize that Microsoft quietly crept from #7 (last month) to #2. That fact went largely unnoticed by many of us… is it a variation or a trend? Neither Gralla or Rosoff offer, from my perspective, a solid explanation for Microsoft’s sudden ranking. Perhaps people are using Bing’s video search engine? But why?

This hardly makes sense to me. Today the Bing video site featured Jessica Black (Friday) song. It might have been titled, “search what was popular on YouTube last month.”

Who is the Target Lady?

Maria Bamford helped turn our anxiety about the holiday rush into a playfully self-aware celebration of the insanity we call Black Friday.

Target’s Black Friday campaign staring Maria Bamford spawned loads of “word of mouth,” and captured AdAge’s attention by ranking #2 on the AdAge Viral Chart with more than 1.5 million views in a week. Sure that’s still far below my definition of “viral video” (I’m thinking the new definition is 4 million views in a few days). But the campaign, by Portland, Oregon agency Wieden & Kennedy, clearly has become more than a 2010 footnote. Here’s Target Lady’s highlight reel, which culminates in the fantastic shot of her running through target wearing a parachute to slow her down.

Naturally Steve Hall (AdRants) hate’s it, but TV Critic Roger Catlin gave it a “an hail Target ad lady Maria” review. AgencySpy was most impressed with the Rocky IV tune. But the real surprise, to me, was when my wife said: “wait- look at this…everyone’s raving about it on Facebook.” According to ClickZ, some sponsored ads fueled that Facebook fire.

Click here to see YouTube’s Target collection, ranked by most-viewed.

Some of these spots are good enough to stop you from fast forwarding TiVo. Maria Bamford has a wonderfully crazy and self-deprecating style that makes even ME feel sane. She’s not new to Target — check out her subtle “Target” reference in this video from years ago (below). She’s funny in standup (effinfunny.com), but translates even better to web video and was a perfect fit for this wonderfully insane Target campaign.

I hope to see her back, since I think she’ll appeal to Target’s target customer. We’ll still need our “cool” target ads, but this is distinctive and fun, and a refreshing departure from me-two department store ads (wow we’ve got deals… zzzzz). I could honestly see the Target Lady pulling a mini Old Spice video-reply campaign with personalized videos… the mad rush for holidays is far from over, but there’s not likely time for a new campaign. Hey Wieden & Kennedy- if she’s answering questions I’d like to know how many cups of coffee she drinks a day and how many hours of sleep she gets. I’d also savour, like fine wine, some behind-the-scenes outtakes from the commercial shoot.

If you like Target Lady, write WK agency (contact information) or be sure to write Maria’s mom. Mothers need affirmation sometimes, and maybe she’ll let Maria out of the attic to reward her. Or heck, pick up a piece of no-soap made by her dad.