6 New Rules of Marketing: Get Enlightened, Stupid.

Apparently I have to relearn marketing again, which is fine... it wasn't hard the first time.

The coolest thing about marketers are the titles they give their books. Common, right? They’re marketers. What do you expect?

Yep, while marketing and advertising may be dead, the business of proclaiming it even more dead... is booming. Here are the six rules, and as you can see they defy the 6 marketing rules I learned in my MBA (which I’ve added in italics).

Oh- I think it goes without saying that I haven’t read the book, but I am considering adding it to the prized bookshelf of “The Enlightened Stupid Marketer.” At least he embraces book covers over books, right? Is there any irony to the fact that years after shooting that video I’d write a book and, to date, not read it?

  • The Core is Everything (screw the customer, kill or be killed, don’t sleep)

Key chapters: Brand essence is important, customer knows best, your reputation is vital, play nicely, sleep soundly and work fearfully.

  • You Have Nothing Without The Foundation (integrity is for the unemployment line… Ps in 2006 were product, price, piss the customer, and pimp it)

Key chapters: Integrity, single word or symbol, whole is larger than parts, mind your P’s….

  • There Are Many Choices But Only One Customer (there’s a sucker born every minute; it’s easier to find a new customer than try to keep one).

Key chapters: Strategy is the heart and measurement is the blood, frameworks, perception really is your customer’s reality, communication, more than channel surfing.

  • Do the Right Things for the Right Reasons (we watched Wall Street in Ethics class, talked about Walmart, and then all proclaimed: greed is goooood).

Key chapters: Relationships matter, partner, it’s about them not you…

  • Infrastructure is More Than Pipes (in fact, a virtual tributary allows for add-drop multiplexing of subrate traffic… come to think of that, I might have learned that when my boutique web agency was acquired by Qwest Telcom).

Key chapters: Technology is just an enabler, right information, right people, right time… and don’t have wrong thought.

  • Lead And Others Will Follow (be a fast follower… let your competitor take the arrows, then pull them from their body and use them against anyone that tries suing you for stealing their idea; be sure to pluck out their gold fillings… they won’t need them anymore because they’re dead).

Key chapters: Leadership is a verb not noun.

So, yeah. I have to relearn marketing again, but this time there’s not a test (which sucks because I would have cheated off of my friend Mike Skoler). I wonder if my damned MBA comes with a money-back guarantee (It probably does, but the small print says “not valid on days ending with the letter Y”).

For the record, this marketing-satire video (“Enlightened Stupid Marketer”) was indeed shot in a conference room of an employer who shall remain nameless. You’d never know that unless you worked there, so while I maintained the spirit of the no-camera law (confidentiality), I broke the “letter” of the law. More importantly, it was a satire not of my co-workers at the time but of a Coke executive I’d seen a month prior at a conference. Nobody believed me, and a number of people took offense to this (like the guy who sucked my will to live).

The nice thing about this video is that if you’re offended by it, I’ve struck a vulnerability nerve haven’t I? Are ya offended or are you secure in your marketing competencies? Do you see yourself lampooned, or do you giggle at the absurdity occasionally? If your teeth clench while watching, you MAY just have gelatophobia. There’s only one cure. Avoid people unless wearing ear muffs and blinders. Or just keep reading the latest marketing book that proclaims the last guy slightly dumber.

Cell Phone Parody Videos: iPhone, oPhone, Blackberry and Android

It’s July 3, which is annual “bitch about your stupid cell phone day.” Don’t verify that on Wikipedia yet.

So let’s step back, but not rate or compare the Microsoft oPhone, iPhone, Android and Blackberry for a moment. But let’s not debate Mac versus Microsoft versus Google versus Blackberry. It just divides humanity, and that’s what politics are for.

So instead let’s debate not the cell phones but the quality of the video parodies they spawn. Given that I did three of these four, I’ll offer up some unbiased thoughts: And before you bitch about me using this post as “self promotion” read my damned tagline above. It’s my mission in life.

The Microsoft Mobile oPhone video (not mine) was Filet Mignon in a blender. Although it was a bit drawn out, there were a few great gags (the circular message text and the notion of programming for a circle). Nathan Weinberg, who runs the InsideMicrosoft and InsideGoogle blogs, is behind it (see him on YouTube).

 

The iPhone was, as all Nalts videos, was too long. But for a guy with no budget and in a hurry to get to work, that Nalts gets a B plus.

 

The Android video was a collaboration with Slater. I thought it would viralinate more, but in hindsight I think it was a bit too “inside Madison Avenue.” It didn’t help that my good camera was in repair so my part looked and sounded like ass. Slater and his wife cracked me up, though.

 

Finally there’s Blackberry/Crackberry. In retrospect I think most of these gags were too obvious. But it did garner a lot of media attention (a bunch of national networks ripped it… maybe I’ll have a judge audit that) because I released it just before a study confirmed that Blackberry’s are evil.

You know as I look back at Crackberry Blackberry, it got a lot more media attention that views. Counter that with this crappy video I posted last week (“Scary Maze“) which has been viewed 180K times — while Crackberry (now 2 years old) has only about 100K views.

Hey! Nalts is just like a cell-phone provider. Providing crappier quality but getting more business!