2011’s Dumbest Quotes: Read Like Poetry

It’s the dumbest quotes of 2011 read as poetry. Here’s the video, and the copy is below. Read along with the Mrs. and me, why don’t you?

The great poetry and quotes of the United States of America in 2011. Read alone BELOW. Read by Jo and Kevin Nalty (Wifeofnalts and Nalts).

Great American Poetry of 2011

Can’t Process by Charlie Sheen
I don’t have time for their judgement and their stupidity and you know they lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children and look at their loser lives and then they look at me and they say, ‘I can’t process it’ well, no, you never will stop trying, just sit back and enjoy the show. You know?

Ring Those Bells by Sarah Palin
He who warned, uh, the British that they weren’t gonna be takin’ away our arms, uh, by ringing those bells, and um, makin’ sure as he’s riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed.

Intellect Causes Crime by Georgia Prosecutor Patrick H. Head
“I think you could spend an unlimited amount of money on education and it will never eliminate crime. We have crime committed by people that have no respect for human life; we have crimes committed by people who have no respect for property.” He went on to say, “[criminals] will use that education and they will use that intellect in order to commit their crimes.”

Obamagasm by Esquire’s Steven March
“Can we just enjoy Obama for a moment? Before the policy choices have to be weighed and the hard decisions have to be made, can we just take a month or two to contemplate him the way we might contemplate a painting by Vermeer or a guitar lick by the early-seventies Rolling Stones or a Peyton Manning pass or any other astounding, ecstatic human achievement?”

Friday by Rebecca Black
Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday
Today i-is Friday, Friday (Partyin’)
We-we-we so excited
We so excited
We gonna have a ball today
Tomorrow is Saturday
And Sunday comes after…wards
I don’t want this weekend to end

Goofy Run by Ray William Johnson
What kind of running game is this if you can’t get this goofy ass f’ing alcoholic to run straight. What does he have an inner ear infection? Why are you even on the track team if you run this f’ing goofy? He does in fact run like a Welshman

Journey Through Time by Annoying Orange
Hey dinosaurs. Meteors. Hey Benjamin Franklin, lightening. Hey. Hey, uh, Titanic. I forgot what I was going to say. Oh yeah- Iceberg.

Webcams for Seniors by Bruce and Esther Huffman
K: (Monkey face) Oh look at the monkey.
J: Did I… did it capture? Why didn’t it take it. I put it on capture.
K: That’s a pretty good monkey
J: Hmm… okay wait a minute.
K: I don’t think you.. I don’t think you
J: Okay now. Do it again. What’s it say here. Take a photo snapshot. Okay.
K: Loud Yawn. Hello my darlin hello my baby. Hello my god don’t go.

See the First Videos of Some Prominent YouTube Stars

Even want to see the first videos posted by some of YouTube’s most famous creators? What was Fred’s first video? It wasn’t on his Fred channel. How about the first Ray William Johnson, Annoying Orange, Shane Dawson and Smosh vieos?

I made a Delicious Stack that takes you right to them. The first videos of famous YouTubers. Enjoy.

Don’t forget the FIRST YouTube video, where 5 million people learned that “pretty much all there is to say” about elephants is that they “have really long and cool trunks.” That stuff hasn’t even begun to viralinate.

 

I Was a Knife on Annoying Orange

I’ve had only been a few days on YouTube as exciting as today! I finally made a cameo as MR. KNIFE GUY on Annoying Orange, the show created by Daneboe/Gagfilms.

Mr. Knife Guy on Annoying Orange
Nalts takes guest role on Annoying Orange as "Mr. Knife Guy"

Honestly I find it more rewarding appearing in a video by someone I admire, than making my own videos. Dane sent me the script last weekend, and I spent the better part of Saturday trying to “sharpen” my acting skills for this “cut up.” My four children adore the show, and I’ve missed two e-mails from Dane inviting me for a guest spot. Thanks to everyone who ensured I didn’t miss this shot- stalkerofnalts, wifeofnalts.

I think that’s going to be my new mission… see how many cameos I can snag in my favorite shows. If iJustine can be a corpse on Criminal Minds, I can be a dead guy on College Humor or The Onion, right?

Be sure to check out Annoying Orange if you haven’t seen the web series. Dane is featured in my book, and has in just a year taken this character to the 11th most-subscribed of all time on YouTube with nearly 300 million views. I was also psyched to see two other folks I’ve had the pleasure of meeting… BobJenz (Punchy) as ginger and Peter Coffin as the song writer of Mr. Knife Guy. It rocks.

AdAge Celebrates YouTube Sellouts

AdAge called out the biggest YouTube sellouts— those known for sponsored videos for top brands. Naturally my headline would have read “YouTube’s Most Prolific Sponsored Artists” had I been included in the list. For those of you whose nipples don’t get pointy when you hear words like “advertising, marketing, Mad Men, spot, creative brief, storyboards, USP, reach, frequency and single-minded proposition,” AdAge is kinda the Forbes for advertising junkies. It’s like Men’s Health except some straight people read it.

shaycarl
shaycarl t-shirt

The actual article is titled “Meet YouTube’s Most In-Demand Brand Stars,” and it’s a nice representation of the booming webstar, perhaps the central point of “Beyond Viral,” an amazing new book by Wiley & Sons coming out Sept. 21. Despite some conspicuous misses and a few odd inclusions, the article points to some interesting nuggets like MysteryGuitarMan (MGM) preference for a blank creative brief… his videos have never been better, and each one squashes my own confidence more aggressively than the next.

I would have also liked to read a “who’s who” of the companies that link stars with brands (Hitviews, Mekanism, PlaceVine, Howcast, YouTube). That’s something you don’t see covered well, and it’d be fascinating to read about the total market for sponsored videos and the dominant players.

TubeMogul helped compile this list, and you can see the webstar’s vital signs on the TubeMogul marketplace. The stats seem to be out of synch with YouTube’s counter and other sites (TubeMogul has me at 145 million, while YouTube alone counts 161 million…. so my views on Yahoo Video and other sites must be negative 16 million). It could be that once I “private” a video (like those I’ve buried because I no longer like them), I lose Tubemogul credit for them.

Before I could go to bed sulking for being overlooked by AdAge and Tubemogul, I discovered author Irina Slutsky sent me a note about this a week or so. And yeah I missed it. Just like the two e-mail offers to appear on AnnoyingOrange, one of the hottest web series by DaneBoe.

ADHD online-video creator and marketer seeks minimum-wage e-mail account manager from India.

These peeps don’t seem to read my blog, but I consider more than a few of them as friends… Trippy (he’s been in my kids’ bed), Buckley (he spanked me), Penna (wrote the Nalts theme and couldn’t get into bars at early YouTube gathersings), and Shay (he was new, we collabed, then he became twice as big as me overnight… and also got a lot more viewers). Others are more like acquaintances like Justine (who keeps a safe distance, but I made her what she is) and Smosh. Speaking of Smosh, Ian and Anthony get props for the recent Butterfinger Snackers video (“Selling Out”) that spoofed the criticism they’ve taken lately for doing a few too many sponsored videos. Heh. I did a Butterfinger video in 2006, a year before I goofed on this whole sponsored-video space with this video, which mentions Smosh. I’m guessing the Smosh kids never saw this diddy…

It’s me 3 years ago mimicking the emergence YouTube “sell outs” and the personalities who might desperately broker brand/webstar love connections... you know, the entities connecting brands and web stars. Most YouTube webstars know more about engaging an audience than turning a brand strategy into effective and persuasive messaging… so they need help. There are some exception- like Rhett and Link, who could just as well be their own boutique creative agency, as reflected in the quality of their advertainment and the highly unusual ratio of branded to non-sponsored views. I almost like their sponsored videos better than their brand-deficient ones because like a pro athlete they make it look easy.

And, lest I miss mentioning my book (Beyond Viral) in a single post, you’ll find mention of almost all of these cats inside the low-cost pages… including featured sections on Rhett & Link, Charles Trippy, Shay Butler and others.

Hey what ever happened to Buckley? I think he ignored me like Caitlin Hill (thehill88) and iJustine. Maybe Buckley needs an e-mail intern… I wonder if there are any Indians with the name Mason?

WSJ Steals Another of My Stories (Annoying Orange)

Thanks to iJustine’s Twitter for alerting me to the 9th article the Wall Street Journal (Annoying Orange) has stolen from me without credit. Seriously, people. Find your own news. Go search Google news or ask an intern to scour some morning shows.

The Wall Street Journal, Once a Breaker of News, Steals Another WillVideoForFood Story