I’m going to give you a free social-media makeover here, folks. I may not live in social media Heaven, but I’ve had a few “follow the bright light” moments, and have returned with some important messages from Above.
- First- get on Twitter. Microblogging short sentences from the web or your text-enabled phone may seem pointless, but that’s only if you haven’t learned to “follow” anyone who has a cooler life than you. Lie about what you’re doing so people don’t think you’re pathetic. I have more than 1,000 people following me, so that gives my life meaning.
- Now up the game with 12secondtv.com. Follow me. I’ve found I can make 12-second videos from my cell phone while driving. No pesky editing.
- Start ChaCha’ing instead of Googling remotely. Just text any question to 242242, and you get an instant answer. Sometimes they’re not in the mood to write back, but it’s still fun to say.
- Text. Seriously if you don’t text you might as well buy a Brother typewriter and get off the computer. SMS stands for short message um.. something. And then there’s MMS or something. It’s for multimedia. Just text. Or RSS.
- Oh, you think you’re better than me because you’ve been texting for ages? Well screw off. I Jott. You heard me. I call a toll-free number and it transcodes my speech to text for free. Jott can send my spoken words as text to wordpress or twitter or to my administrative assistant Sandy.
- Get iwantsandy. Have no idea what the hell Sandy does, but she’s an administrative assistant. And my real admin happens to be a woman who works in the union and also is named Sandy. She likes crystals. The electronic Sandy has a retro logo.
- Join vloggerheads. You need an invite, and so you’d better contact Nutcheese or someone cool. This is Renetto’s mutiny from YouTube. I showed up yesterday and it was like an insanity floor for disturbed YouTubers. They gave me some orange pills and made me right at home.
- Join Amazon Prime. You get free two-day shipping not to mention social status. Just drop on Twitter or Vloggerheads and say “yeah- I’m Amazon Prime.” What are you? Amazon Light? Whatever. Oh by the way- I get 12 dollars if you join from this link, and there’s a 1 month free trial. Just shut up and join.
- Join iamintown. Oh sorry- that’s in a special beta release. You’ll have to wait.
- Play with FriendFeed. Mine is kinda sparse but you can check out Steve Rubel’s (he’s the vlogger behind micropersuasion). Steve Rubel is on top of new trends even if he doesn’t link to me anymore.
- Watch some of the live shows on blogtv.com. I’m on Sunday nights at 9. Here’s my new account (Nalts) but 105 people are subscribed to my RealNalts account, which I had created when I couldn’t get Nalts.
That’s all you can handle right now. From your perspective, Jott will be a game changer. From my perspective, I just want you to join Amazon Prime because I’ve made about $4 in the past three months on my DVD sales, t-shirts, and stupid ads on kevinnalts.com. You don’t think I’m blogging for f’ing fun do you? Shit I need some flashy porn banners on this blog.
{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }
One day I hope to have your ego.. I mean.. confidence. lol
this is more like “the hard way to be savvy.” these suggestionsare only for people without iPhones and nobody ever watched renetto but you and non-members.
Sorry, Kevin, I have a life.
My life is complete!
lol
Oh, and BTW, please practice spelling my name. It is spelled “Marolin”. Not “Maryland”. Not “Marilyn”. It’s really not that herd.
Hi Merrylin!
)
Nalts, I have enough trouble checking email, then off to wvff.com where I speed read all the verbage then off to youtube where I browse through the endless subscribed videos that tag “Nalts” for no apparent reason. I don’t know how you do it.
oh yeah, record your blog tv series and upload it so the people who can’t watch it at that time can at least make fun of you after the fact.
How’s your sacrum? Have you been in control central this whole week? Hope you’re doing better.
)
Marlyn, I personally am going to spell your name wrong as long as it takes for you to stop calling me Robnickel.
thanks to chacha, i have learned that fish DO have anuses. who knew??
What Marilyn said at comment 3 and xjason said at comment 6. Besides, I threw out my cell phone years ago, stopped blogging last year, don’t understand Twitter, have nothing left to sell but my soul, am busy comparison shopping oven ventilation hoods and poison oak creams, and am trying to ween myself off timesucks like 12seconds, stickam and vloggerhoods.
But thanks for keeping me appraised of how lazy I am. Keep up the good work.
I’m turning into a Luddite.
Not a Luddite, MDJ, just someone with more to do than text and twitter. I, myself, have to go buy a lampshade. My sweet, adorable kittens wrecked one in the living room. I told you they were terrors!!!
BTW Reubnick, it was sukatra that called you Robnickel.
BTW, xjgx, your routine is the same as mine. And it really annoys me when people tag their videos “nalts” that have absolutely nothing to do with Nalts. Just a waste of my precious time.
Oh god Marilyn, I get all mixed up. Who called me Robonick?
Don’t remember that one; I just remember it was sukatra who started the whole Robnickel thing. She may have called you Robonick as well. She’s like that.
I’m so addicted to vloggerheads. I’m so embarrassed to admit that.
I sent an e-mail to Vloggerheads but I guess I’m not cool enough to represent (sigh)
McGaffigan: Oh we’re Andrew now! How formal :p
You have an addictive personality, Nutcheese. Will you no longer be on Stickam 4 to 12 hours a day, 365 days a year? Or will you multitask and be on both 1/3 of your life? Enjoy your timesuck in Boogerheads.
@ JimmerSD,
Don’t worry. I’m not cool enough either, but that’s okay. We probably aren’t missing too much
Sorry, Kevin, but I already used up my free one month trial to Amazon Prime a long time ago, and even remembered to cancel before I got charged for it. How about if I just send you $12? Wait a minute. You make a lot more money than I do. How about if I just pass on the social-media cool. Yeah. That works for me.
MDJ: You and I think a lot alike. I have enough time wasters already; don’t need any more.
Tomorrow is the last day of summer school! Yay!!!!!!!!!!
Kevin: So how IS your back, anyway?
what!
Sound like this is if you want to be youtube social media cool. I’m a part of a completely different social media cool click.
^mom? Too late! Boobs Thumbnails are so last year. You Tube beat the crap out of fembots and fake tits, you ‘re gonna have to find another body part to droll over Tomboys is just old media, granny.
Yeah I said it, so what!
and that my friends is the next cool.
Thank you Nalts .. let’s all become Lemmings
@23
I agree. Fleshpeddling is SO 1980s.
@24
I think I’ll opt out of the Lemming jump this year.
I always suspected i was a loser, and now it has been confirmed. I’ve got LOTS of pills to deal with that problem though. Goodbye, cruel world. See you in hell, kevin.
Hi Maryloon, sure missed you over the last week!
Lol. Nice article. I still can’t get into Twitter – every time I logged in I would have to lie about what I am doing…
^hahaha!
The truth will set you free!
Kevin!!!!!!
You did it to me again!! I just re-read my post (#5 above) and you changed all the spellings around on me!!! Stop that!!
M-A-R-I-L-Y-N
DX