The Internet Never Forgets: Cap’n Crunch Is NOT the Devil

In further proof that I’ll not likely pass my next new-hire screening, here are two of many prank letters I wrote 17 years ago. The Internet never forgets, and Pat Kutack never forgets to renew his URL dedicated to his now defunct Georgetown University comedy troupe called “Rebels Without Applause.” Mind you, I never had the courage to join the folks on stage. But I video taped their shows (in exchange for an open tab at the bar).

We’ve come full circle haven’t we? Do you think I was kidding about this WillVideoForFood name? I once videotaped a wedding surviving only on olives from the bar.

Here are two letters I shared with Pat during college. They’re prank letters to two cereal manufacturers:

  1. General Mills’ Cinnamon Toast Crunch because I found a cigarette butt in my bowl.
  2. Quaker’s Cap’N Crunch, because the cartoon “icon of the devil” was freaking my kids out. Never mind that I wouldn’t have kids for another 7 years after writing that.

captain crunch loves youHighlights: November 18, 1990. To Quaker: I have two kids and they used to eat Cap’N Crunch all the time. But then once a friend of mine told me that Cap’N Crunch he’s an icon of the devil. I got to noticing that my kids acting realy strange when they eat the food. The last box I bought I won’t let them eat and its hard anyway ,so they shouldn’t eat it. We aren’t buying your cereal anymore because there scared and I am too of it.

In great diplomacy, Quaker didn’t give the devil his due. But a “consumer response specialist” did explain (see below) that the Cap’n artist was Jay Ward, the creator of Rocky the Squirrel and

captain crunch loves you

Bullwinkle the Moose. So that pretty much cleared things up, and I’ve been a fan of Cap’n ever since. Especially peanut butter.

P.S. This brilliant comment from Marquisdejolie: I remember reading about that. Some poor smoker at General Mills was fired despite his vehement protests of innocence. His wife left him, taking the children and everything he owned except a ratty old recreational vehicle. He lived in it down by the river for years, cultivating a wicked bad drinking habit. Then one day, he snapped, parked the RV along the route of a city parade and began shooting at the floats screaming “There’s your butt! There’s your butt!” The sniper was killed in a hail of police fire, but not before he mortally wounded a much beloved math teacher and three school children. It was in all the papers.

Author: Nalts

Hi. I'm Nalts.

24 thoughts on “The Internet Never Forgets: Cap’n Crunch Is NOT the Devil”

  1. So basically, what you’re telling us is that this condition you have is chronic and lifelong with no hope of a cure. Bad for Jo, good for the rest of us.

  2. Oh I never thought about someone pranking my company. Maybe I will. Oh, Sukatra. It’s not only lifelong it’s contagious.

  3. I remember reading about that. Some poor smoker at General Mills was fired despite his vehement protests of innocence. His wife left him, taking the children and everything he owned except a ratty old recreational vehicle. He lived in it down by the river for years, cultivating a wicked bad drinking habit. Then one day, he snapped, parked the RV along the route of a city parade and began shooting at the floats screaming “There’s your butt! There’s your butt!” The sniper was killed in a hail of police fire, but not before he mortally wounded a much beloved math teacher and three school children. It was in all the papers.

  4. fav comment:
    “This may be real, but you need to make another promotional video. This one made my eyes bleed.”

    ouch! I’m trying to stop laughing, this is Exactly how I always picture You Tube!!!

  5. Okay I just read the other letter about the cigarette in the cereal box. Thank God for the statute of limitations on fraud.

  6. Kevin everyone knows that Quaker is a fine upstanding company. Now the people at General Mills have been messing with us for years.

    Exhibit 1:
    Insane Psychotic Clown
    http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v23/SFKirby/box138.jpg

    Exhibit 2:
    Inappropriate Expectations for Future Manhood
    http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v23/SFKirby/kixo01.jpg

    I always had concerns about Dig’Em myself, but his promotional tie in with Mace Windu has me concluding that he must be OK
    http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y107/bigmaki/SamuelLHoneySmacks.jpg

  7. LMAO…You should feel bad for getting free stuff because of your lie telling! haha Umm…I may have to try this.

  8. Yey. This old post has come back to life. I’m not sure if the Capn had a psycho makeover or I just had too much sugar and caffeine this morning, but that box makes him look crazier than Marquisdejolie on acid.

  9. Nalts, I’m ashamed that it took you so long to notice the evil behind the grin! Normally I think you are a pretty hip and updated fellow. Today, I’m saddened.

    Did you not notice Smedley the elephant just VANISHED? Seriously, do elephants just disappear? No, sir they don’t. Clearly the Cap’n has been dealing in dark deeds for a very long time.

    You ever think that perhaps we are experiencing ground elephant hide gouges on the roofs of our mouths. Has the Cap’n added Smedley to the recipe? You bet your buttons he did, young man.

  10. Hey nalts 😀 I love you! but could u please make the font size smaller? this is huge! And it’s hard to read it so large

  11. haha that is awesome! The General Mills headquarters is right down the road from my high school, so I don’t think I could pull off something like that, in the off chance I would know someone who works there.

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