Who Won the Cheese? Weird Comments.

american cheeseIt took almost two months of deliberation, but our judges have selected the honorable mentions and winner of the “Weird Comment” contest, which boasts a grand prize of an autographed slice of American cheese.

As you won’t likely recall, back on January 5, 2008, I invited you to post the weirdest comments on this TechCrunch article about my book. There are a about 50 plus comments on my invitation post too (see them).

You took the challenge, and you delivered. That’s why we spent so long deliberating. It is not because we forgot or anything.

Click “more” below to see the 33 weirdest comments. Honorable mention also goes to Maryln and Sukatra’s back ‘n forth.

It’s a tough call, but here’s the winner. Johnny, whoever you are, send your address. We’ll send the cheese.

  1. Johnny January 7th, 2008 at 4:22 pm

    WARNING I DID NOT START THIS SPAM ok susie was going to a river where she watched the school of dogs dissecting cats that could fly because of their lung cancer thus enabling the time portal to pull down the trigger that made the lever go down into Narnia which was currently in a war against the Summer Queen who made eternal summer, when the summer queen was vanquished Fred came to save the day transporting all living babies in the world to travel first class to Funkytown singing Funkytowwwwwn the whole way there the babies enjoyed their sparkling white grape juice which made them all fart Beethovens Ninth backwards making them change each others pampers for a milenium until two magical beavers came and started to shop at wal-mart because of it having the lowest prices they bought firewood to burn the Ohio River therefore making Lisa Nova drinking an 8 ounce glass of water flexing her liver making it break thus powering all of new york city for the rest of the year making arnold schwargentator happy to be alive until the terminator kills him everyone is living happily except George Bush since lisa novas liver broke and two squirrels from sydney come in to kidnap president lincoln holding him as ransom for 70 nuts or walnuts making the world fall in the Great Depression 2 thus starting war against switzerland because of all of the obese people in america wanting it’s magical chocolate mines causing them to get more obese and starting weight watchers to gain even more weight causing the worlds rotation to end effecting into the sun being blocked by an enormous bottle sun tan lotion sold by an eskimo in iceland causing a humonguos meteor to fall into austrailia and killing all of the worlds opera singers thus making everyone happy again and then everyone died except nalts, he lived. (run-on consider revising)

(Select “more” below to see some favorites).

  1. Fake Dan Ackerman Greenberg

    Nalts, you bastard – me and you in the Kleiner Perkins parking lot on Monday after school.

    We can settle this thing there.

  2. matagasga

    must intent to go there because cool is real.

    Whatever batman!

    Give it some youtube reality already because its said so.

  3. incuzag

    What ever happened to Fay Wray

    That delicate satin draped frame

    As it clung to her thigh

    How I started to cry

    For I wanted to be dressed just the same

  4. muttwalks

    Hey Nalts,
    Rudolf Bahro (18 November 1935 – 5 December 1997) was born in 1935 in Bad Flinsberg (now in Poland). He joined the East German Socialist Unity Party in 1954 as a student of philosophy at the Berlin Humboldt University.
    Told ya! Now you’ll have to update your fonts!

    –Muttwalks

  5. sukatra

    Here’s an interesting but previously unreported fact about Nalts: Did you know that on hot summer days, he likes to dip his winkie into hot sauce before jumping into his backyard pool? It makes for a nice, cool tingling sensation on his nether regions. His wife usually just looks the other way, but the kids are permanently traumatized. The very mention of the word “barbecue” and they all throw up. In unison. Into the pool. Which makes for a very tedious afternoon of pool cleaning.

  6. psychomelody

    Every time you read Nalt’s book a kitten is killed.

  7. Marilyn Case

    I googled cheese and ended up here.

  8. DahliaK

    An interesting, little-known fact is that in German, the word for “cheese” is “Kase.” Which makes Marilyn there look a little more than coincidental.

  9. Irnotdum
    January 5th, 2008 at 6:10 pm
    Did you know?
    That recent studies show that raw eggs make an amazing lubricant for the most intiment of moments.
  10. BarryManilow

    You’re free ebook saved my life and career!

    All the best,
    Barry

  11. sukatra

    Reading that book just gave me a boner.

  12. Marina

    Wake up and smell the cotton, SMELL THE COTTON NALTS!!!!!!!!!

  13. Slorge

    Secret message!! In Nalts’ ebook…

    first: write the first letter of each paragraph on it’s own individual post-it note.
    second: place the post it notes someplace handy, like in a huge manilla envelope or perhaps a wok.
    third: watch the video on youtube where Nalts promotes the ebook. at spot 00:58 you will find the clue to help you arrange the letters.
    four: forgive Slorge for leading you down this wild goosechase farce.

  14. Jimbo4152

    I bring more funk to the table than the Rocky I soundtrack. I’m the quintessential human version of a Sylvester Stallone knock-out mixed with good looks and more intuitive sarcastic wit than Will Ferrel on his glory days with SNL. This book has helped me, surprisingly in the field of talking to ladies. I come at them with strong sarcastic comments. I used to approach them with more respect and justice then what PBS commercial does for woman. Now, I speak my mind..

    Thank you Nalts. This book helps.

  15. Reubnick

    The couch on which my printer cried, flew away, and off to Georgia without my Soda even graduating!! Is this because the physics are the divided by the cottonmouth lizard of History? It could have been avoided had Renetto subscribed to me!

  16. sukatra

    I don’t know why everybody’s so obsessed with cheese today. It isn’t even that good at catching mice. I hear peanut butter on a mousetrap works better. And it makes for a tastier snack once the mouse gets caught in the trap. You know, kind of like peanut butter cups, with a mouse instead of chocolate. Delicious, and sometimes squirmier.

  17. DahliaK

    I’m guessing these are not the usual tone of comment left on TechCrunch.

  18. Marilyn

    TechCrunch: The crunchy cereal with a nano in every byte!

  19. Marilyn

    When do I get my cheese?

    What flavor cheese is it?

    I hope it’s not nutcheese; I’m not into that vegan crap.

  20. Johnny

    WARNING I DID NOT START THIS SPAM ok susie was going to a river where she watched the school of dogs dissecting cats that could fly because of their lung cancer thus enabling the time portal to pull down the trigger that made the lever go down into Narnia which was currently in a war against the Summer Queen who made eternal summer, when the summer queen was vanquished Fred came to save the day transporting all living babies in the world to travel first class to Funkytown singing Funkytowwwwwn the whole way there the babies enjoyed their sparkling white grape juice which made them all fart Beethovens Ninth backwards making them change each others pampers for a milenium until two magical beavers came and started to shop at wal-mart because of it having the lowest prices they bought firewood to burn the Ohio River therefore making Lisa Nova drinking an 8 ounce glass of water flexing her liver making it break thus powering all of new york city for the rest of the year making arnold schwargentator happy to be alive until the terminator kills him everyone is living happily except George Bush since lisa novas liver broke and two squirrels from sydney come in to kidnap president lincoln holding him as ransom for 70 nuts or walnuts making the world fall in the Great Depression 2 thus starting war against switzerland because of all of the obese people in america wanting it’s magical chocolate mines causing them to get more obese and starting weight watchers to gain even more weight causing the worlds rotation to end effecting into the sun being blocked by an enormous bottle sun tan lotion sold by an eskimo in iceland causing a humonguos meteor to fall into austrailia and killing all of the worlds opera singers thus making everyone happy again and then everyone died except nalts, he lived. (run-on consider revising)

  21. xjasongarciax

    Has anyone seen my glass eye? *Plop…roll, roll, roll, roll*

    I seem to have lost it. It’s the eye I used to read this ebook. *sigh*

  22. BGenerous

    Nalts’ ebook gave me herpes.
    At least that’s what my girlfriend told me.

  23. sukatra

    Nalts ebook gave you herpes?? Uh oh. That explains the open weeping sores on my lady bits. It’s either that or the gonorrhea I got last month from Christophermast. That guy is a walking STD.

  24. Marilyn

    Nalts’ ebook gave me the 24-hour pu-sh*ts. As long as I don’t read it or look at any of his videos, I’m fine. One look and I vomit.

  25. PsychicSyndrome

    Read Nalts Ebook.

    For I have seen the future and all fame and fortune shall be decided by Youtube.

    Youtube rules with an iron vice grip which none can be released from the madness!

    Yes Madness the internets is an unstoppable Juggernaut of code and wires that you can never figure out where to plug in! Your Tv Remote runs your blender and the Toaster doesn’t make toast! It Makes Vlogs!

    Top Ramen will be the only food left in the future run by GOOGLE’s Interweb Empire! Top Ramen Is the Only Food Vloggers eat and you will eat it too!!

    Robots come past the boarder from Robo Mexico and only the Vloggers, hiding in their basements will survive, and When the carnage is finished…

    They’ll Post It On YouTube!

    It’s Madness!!

    MADNESSRoni AND CHEESE!!

  26. Tezza (youtube name : muzishan2)

    yes yes yes, thats all very well and good…but what about the united nations summit in that country that has that thing that that guy does? nobody ever considers the guy in that country with the hat that does that thing!! or is it the guy with the country that does that thing with that hat? oh no… i think its the country with the hat that owns the guy that does that thing that created the ozone layer! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAAAA!!! mmm sorry bout that sometimes when i dont have din dins for a coupla days me bwain go KAZOOT!! hehe oh well at least shirley temple dont have no beef with that cow that makes that stuff that can wipe out entire civilisations in that country that has that guy that does that thing that doesn’t make any sense! looks like its back to the drawing board for me!

  27. sukatra

    You know, I finally made may way through that piece of drivel that nalts calls an e-book. I fail to understand the praise. it is callow, unsophisticated and jejune. In fact, I had to do an 8-ball just to get through it, and now I’m in dire need of a hefty quantity of smack to bring myself back down. Text me if you have any.

    Really, so much wasted time on so much crap. In fact, it reminds me of fresh cow patties in a field of waving grass in the wilds of Kansas, without the sweet sweet smell of alfalfa. Only the steaming smell of cow poo. Too bad one of those tornado thingies doesn’t come along and suck the piece of crap up and strew it across the countryside for all the country bumpkins to look at and say “Yee haw!! Hey look Ma and Pa, free toilet paper!”

    Maybe I shouldn’t be so concescending to those hicks. They may be able to fix me up with some primo horse to bring me down from this horrid state of paranoia caused by that damn eight ball. I mean, I only have so much hair I canpull out before I have to start pulling out the hair of the squirrels in the yard. I’m Britney bitch.

  28. YumaJohnny

    ~Cheese signing actually dates back into the early 15/1600’s. The King of France (each one would do this) Would sign the cheese to let the town’s people know the cheese had been tested by him and that it was good. A lot of people would not each cheese thinking it had gone bad (blue cheese). So, the King put his Stamp of approval (signature) then as time progressed the entire block or roll of cheese was eventually put into the ring of wax as we see them today for longer lasting freshness. So, by Kevin Nalty signing the cheese Tech Crunch is considering him a King of So Said Online Videos. He really should be signing a new Video Camera or Computer. No worries I am lactose intolerant anyway so the cheese is safe with me!

    YumaJohnny

  29. sukatra

    Nalts, how long are you gonna let this crap go on? I’m running out of funny, and I never had any weird to begin with. That’s not how I roll.

  30. Marilyn

    Sukatra:
    I agree with you. Nalts, this must end. We cannot be allowed to continuously post less and less funny drivel on this page. I am not a funny person, as evidenced by my posts. Please, Nalts, bring this contest to an end so we can all get on with our miserable lives.

  31. SDuder

    I need Poopy Fudgicle!

  32. Marilyn

    Yeah, I’m a Nalts stalker and proud of it!! One of my user names on YouTube is “FanClubofNalts”; not that I pay much attention to that account. Can’t seem to get people interested in actually forming a club to honor Nalts. Don’t know why; after all, he is the God of YouTube. Or is that Renetto? I can never keep them straight.

  33. sukatra

    Nalts sucks.

    Maybe that’ll get his attention.

Author: Nalts

Hi. I'm Nalts.

15 thoughts on “Who Won the Cheese? Weird Comments.”

  1. Thanks for the honorable mention. I truly didn’t have a shot in hell at this given your definition of “weird,” which I guess is really “weird” weird, not “ha ha” weird or “oh, shit it’s just sukatra” weird.

    Congrats to johnny, especially on that last line (“run on consider revising”)!!

  2. “an enormous bottle sun tan lotion sold by an eskimo in iceland causing a humonguos meteor to fall into austrailia”………weird comments? thats not weird…….if youre from the nebular galaxy!…….which reminds me…..i gotta replace the landing module on my ufo,before my next trip to star system 0u812(see link) {:-O

  3. BTW,where is nutcheese? i mean, this post is called “who won the cheese”.BTW #2: is nutcheese similar to fromunda cheese? ………oh well,im off to see the wizard,the wonderful wizard of oz…..because,because,because…….because of the wonderful things he does!

  4. Sukatra- you should have won, but I figured I’d just lose your address before sending you the stuffed frog or cheese or dollar store stuff or garage sale loot or whatever it is this time.

  5. If I had won, I still probably wouldn’t have gotten the cheese, because Nalts still owes me something for the “share the junk” contest that I’ll never get, and I think something else, too. Nalts is cool, but bad with promises.

  6. What do you mean, sukatra should have won? Didn’t I comment at least as much as she did? At least I got an honorable mention. But you misspelled my name: it is Marilyn, not Maryln. But Nalts knows who I am!!! I am so excited!!

  7. Marilyn, I’d do a “nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah” here but that would be bad sportsmanship.

    Instead, I’ll just say this: I TOTALLY PWNED YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    That was so therapeutic. Made up for all the inadequacies in my life.

  8. sukatra, I am honored to be spoken of in the same sentence with you, even if Nalts did misspell my name. Plus, I really enjoyed our back-and-forth posting on TechCrunch. It’s really hard for me to be witty; I work with middle-schoolers all day and they wear you down and you tend to lose your sense of humor. But I LOVE my job (I have to keep saying that every day for the next 7 years until my pension is fully vested and I can retire!)

  9. Dear Maryln,

    Thank you for your recent expression of appreciation for sukatra’s presence on this blog. Unfortunately she is unable to respond to all of her fan letters, but on her behalf I can truly say that if she knew who you were, she would be grateful for your kind words.

    Sincerely,

    Ima Nasshole

  10. Dear Sukatra:
    Marilyn has asked me to respond to your message by letting you know that she has taken out a TRO against you and you are advised to cease and desist all communications with her effective immediately. No offense is intended, she simply feels, as she put it, “creeped out” by your constant attention to her every word.
    Sincerely,
    Amanda Hugenkis

  11. sukatra you class the place up even though you’re only 8 years old.
    Reubnick consider yourself lucky, you could have lice right now.

    I gotta to quits the internets I’m starting to piss too many people off, no wait! that’s wrong, too many people are stating to piss me off.
    there, that’s better!

  12. jischinger-

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

    Actually, I’m flattered you think I’m only 8. Those daily botox injections must really be paying off.

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