As the “auteur of the awful,” who has also marketed vaccines, I believe I have a unique ability to instruct you on how to vaccinate the world from your viral video. Follow these 10 tips and I can almost guarantee you a non-viral video.

1. Make it long. Say 5-10 minutes. Videotape yourself describing your day. Don’t leave anything out.
2. Do a spoof on a commercial. Those sell. Try Bass-o-matic. Put things in blenders.
3. Use an old webcam and be sure you’re a silhouette against some major light source.
4. Shoot somewhere with ambient sound that overtakes everything you’re saying. Add loud music to make it more crazy. The kids love that.
5. Tag your video with words in which you have no chance of ranking. Try comedy, humor, music and extreme.
6. Beware of funny beginnings or endings. You want to gradually taper off and put the funny stuff in the middle. Pretend you’re making a funny sandwich.
7. Make your thumbnail a big blur. It will keep make them curious on what the video contains. They’ll be like “I can’t resist finding out what this blur is; I’ll bet it’s funny.”
8. Put the video on your own site and blog. But don’t put it on the big video sites (YouTube, Google Video, AOL Uncut, Yahoo Video). Otherwise people may not come to your site where you can have them register to see more ads.
9. Be sure to put the video on Eefoof. That site gets loads of traffic and pays handsomely.
10. Once you’ve got the video online, the eyeballs should start coming. No need to market it. The integrity of the content will speak for itself.